Footloose

Ok, today we really get into the dirty (literally) little secrets nobody ever tells the new parent. Those of us in that category never learn these important secrets until it is entirely too late to make a difference.

Today we present an expose on the following: You have to remove baby's socks when you are changing a diaper.

I ran this by my sister, at this point a grand master in the art of the diaper change, and she said, "Yeah, of course. Otherwise they get poop on their sock." Thanks for the timely advice, sis.

Unfortunately, none of the instructions and advice given to the new parent addresses this seemingly important element of the diaper change. (See here, for example. Notice the conspicuously missing step).

I think that is all that we have to say on the subject at this point. We have some laundry to do.

Scrub-a-duba

You may be curious why the posting hiatus. The simple explanation: New Parent has turned from a theoretical exercise into a practical experiment. Penelope Jane finally joined us on July 15, 2006.

Weighing in at 9lbs 1.5oz, Penny ensured that fun was had by all in the labor and delivery room.

All you may ask? Well, since you asked, no, not actually. One of the participants arrived improperly dressed, which is the subject of this installment. That's right, one of us was not like the others.

This was not actually brought to my attention until after the fact, when one of the principals, the mother, remarked that during a lull in the action she looked around and noticed that all of the people in the room had on surgical scrubs. All, that is, except for the father-to-be.

There we were, the mother in the hospital gown, the nurse in scrubs, the doctor in scrubs, the doula in scrubs, and the dad in the tee-shirt and shorts that he had been wearing for the past two days. To top it off, he had made a bad choice in footwear, choosing sandals, which had been discarded earlier in the day.

So, make sure you have this pictured just right. The dad was barefoot in dirty, days old clothes.

Whatever happened to the dad rushing out of the delivery room, fully clad head to toe in the latest in hospital fashion to give the good news to the family (see, for example, the closing scene of Parenthood).

For the fashionista fathers among we have just this small bit of advice. If you want to fit in, if you want to be one of the cool kids, if you want to get really comfy, be sure to arrive prepared with your very own set of scrubs. Apparently, everyone is doing it.

Wither the Birth Plan?

Today's topic: The birth plan.

In today's frenzied prenatal environment, tremendous pressure is placed, particularly on the Mother, to develop a comprehensive birth plan (click here for a Google search on birth plans). The idea is that you put together a document that addresses how you feel about different precedures and techniques that pertain to the labor and delivery process and present it to your midwife/doula/practitioner to help guide your care. What a great idea! You get to tell them exactly how you want this thing to go down.

The problem is that it doesn't really work that way. Our exhaustive research, involving a sample set of three (including us as the control), proves that the birth plan is thrown out the window 100% of the time.

Worse, the plan gives you a false impression of how it will all work, and can make you feel like a failure if you have to deviate, almost always for a problem beyond your control.

So, our simple proposal is this: Pregnant Women of the World, Unite! Throw off the chains of societal pressure and grasp the inherent Machiavellian nature of this process. The end unequivocally justifies the means. This is not to say that you shouldn't plan or have certain goals that pertain to how you want to deliver. Rather, focus on what is also a huge challenge: dealing with a new life after birth (labor lasts upwards of 18 hours, the new child's life expectancy is eighty-some years).

(The focus on the birth seems to be part of a bizarre fascination in our society with singular events that are supposed to define our lives: witness the importance of the wedding day versus the longevity of the marriage. Probably a topic for another conversation.).

Therefore, we present a new template for the birth plan:

1. Name:
2. Anticipated Due Date: (Keep in mind that this is by no means an accurate prediction)
3. If you have the choice, would you prefer to attempt a natural birth, or are you interested in pain relief options?
4. Have you read, and do you understand all of the various issues that arise during labor and delivery, and have you discussed with your midwife/doula/practioner how they normally deal with them?
5. In the end, is your ultimate goal simply to have a healthy baby?

Boom. Done.

Bonus feature!!! We will begin to feature polls that address the hottest topics of the day. The results will be treated as absolutely accurate, with no margin of error.

Did you create a birth plan?
	Yes, it worked out exactly as we planned.
	Yes, but circumstances forced us to change.
	No, but we wish we had.
	No, we didn't think it was necessary
	No. That sounds like some new-fangled touchy feely thing. I tell you, kids these days.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Birth of the New Parent

Congratulations! You have joined the vast hordes of netizens interested in what we have to say!

What we have to say is this: how is it possible that children, and by extension parents, have been around for several millenia, yet those of us who embark on the adventure of parenthood have absolutely no idea what is in store.

For example: Today is the eighth day after our projected due date. Of course this is entirely normal, but the fact that we've missed an expected milestone elevates our concern and anxiety. What did we do wrong?

Now, we understand that the due date is the best projection of birth modern medicine has to offer, and is derived from an exhaustive formula that takes in to consideration lunar cycle, sign of the Zodiac, pollen count, legislative district, and, of course, wind chill factor (click here for more info about due date calculations). But how is it that society has taught us to anticipate that the date is a real, tangible prediction of when our daughter would arrive?

This blog is dedicated to uncovering the myths and misinformation that confront the new parent at every turn. We will closely examine instances and accidents to bring you, dear reader, a concise look at how expections meet reality, and how we deal with it in our usual suave and sophisticated manner. Have a question you'd like investigated? Send us a comment, and we'll dedicate our investigative team to an exhaustive (quite literally) search for the truth!

So, stay tuned, and let the games begin!